A Little Bit Of YouTubes For Monday

A little shoutout to the Trekkies! (from Awkward Family Photos)

I know I've talked about this to some people. William Shatner singing (if you can call it that) Rocket Man. His delivery is just too much.

Since it is that time of year, I thought it might be nice to revisit Eugene Mirman's high school graduation speech from 2009. It's probably the best graduation speech ever. Probably.

And a dog riding a turtle. It's worth a look, right?

I've Been Sucked Into The Oil Vortex

I have to be honest. I did not much notice when the Deepwater Horizon rig blew a month ago. It's only been over this past week that it seemed to seep into my consciousness. Once that happened I've been retroactively catching up on all of it. I'm just crushed by what's happened. One can only hope that the "drill, baby, drill" mentality of the Crazy Right will be tempered by the reality that the worst-case scenario really can't be contained.

I've been looking at the The Guardian (UK paper) and found their coverage less biased than American media.

Damn. It's so awful I don't even know what to say.

Till, Then Re-Till

Goodness me. Coming from the south, I feel like April is the time to start planting things, so I did. And you know what? That does not work in Vermont. We had a couple freezes that went down to 26F and the seeds and seedlings just gave up.

So I went to Whitman's Seed in North Bennington to get some more seeds and the people there told me that it is "just now safe to put in the early stuff." I know I have said this a lot lately but I'll say it again: WHAAA? Just now? Six weeks after I already planted the early stuff? (beets, chard, arugula) I can't quite get used to the Vermont growing season.

But, lemonade out of lemons, right? I tested the soil and it needs a bit of sulfur so I get the chance to mess with the chemistry of my garden patch and C has volunteered to re-till it so it's going to be great and work this time.

In the meantime, I will study the map from the Weather Channel.

Sorry for the Delay

I meant to post pics as soon as they came in, but something got in the way on Sunday: another debilitating headache.

The pain actually woke me up and I was like "no no no! This is supposed to be over!" So my Ma said "enough with the ER, it's time to see a neurologist." So Monday I called the two neurologists that were recommended and actually got a same-day appointment with one.

The neurologist asked me lots of questions and actually listened. I told him about the headaches and he said "I don't think they are migraines. Doesn't fit the pattern."

WHAAAA?????

Then he did this thing to try to trigger the headache: he rubbed the tenderest parts of my head (above the neck and behind the ear) really hard. He kept asking

"does that hurt? Does that trigger the headache?" and I'm like

"Owwww! Please stop. It hurts."

But it didn't actually trigger the headache. This happened about three times, with him pressing more intensely each time and me saying something like

"I wish you would stop. God, that hurts. But no, it's not triggering the headache." It was the same quality of pain, but not the same pain as the headache.

So then he does a couple of tests, and then says

"You have occipital neuralgia"

WHAAAA?

My right side muscles -- shoulder and neck -- have tightened so much they pinch the occipital nerve. I'm relieved that I have a specific diagnosis and since I'm now a few days into the new routine for healing, I feel much much better. I'm taking ibuprofen and doing physical therapy exercises. But mostly, I have to rest and not use my right arm too much.

There it is: not migraine, but occipital neuralgia. I would have never guessed a pinched nerve. Would you? Maybe.

Party Pics and Thanks to Barb and Marie

So the party went off without a hitch. There were surprises and fun along the way, as you'll see. These pictures come from Barb Revill and Marie DeVito, so thanks to you both for photos! Barb was really great about taking on the job of documentarian and taking more photos than I could possibly post.

I don't know how many times I can say "it was great and so much fun," but it was all that and more. Thanks to everyone who came out and helped us celebrate.

Mom and Dad being cute and enjoying themselves.

Eat Something, Why Don't You?

Some of the grilled chicken and greek salad. Not pictured is the massive amount of pulled pork, oven-friend chicken, baked beans, coleslaw and buns. (I love the word buns. buns buns buns.) People brought lots of delicious dishes as well. There were so many good eats.

And then desserts! From left to right: cider doughnuts, very berry pie, four rhubarb custard pies (I made those) and two blueberry streusel pies (I made those) and a box of Italian cookies. Mm, good stuff.

Me Me Me!!!!

My outfit: black and white halter dress, and a little cardi to cover up my arms. I was hoping to take the cardi off so I could show my tattoo, but the weather was just cool enough to need the cover. Also black leggings and red boots. I loved this outfit.

And some detail on my red boots. Christian bought them for me in Steamboat Springs, CO when we drove cross-country. I take every opportunity to wear them, and its surprising how many opportunities there are. I'm gonna call them My Weddin' Boots from now on.

WHAAAA???????

My parents had secretly decided to pull a surprise and stage something so that Christian and I could say something to each other that would loosely re-create our vows. My mom stuck some flowers in my hand and I ad-libbed the story our elopement for a while until Christian's dad Sal could be found and brought up. They had a cake we could cut and everything. It was a good surprise, but definitely a surprise. As you can tell by my face below. Christian doesn't get fazed though, he just starts thinking about what to say.

I love this photo.

Me and C with my Pops and The Cake.

My Fella and My Dad. They hugged. It was very sweet.

More Pictures

Cybelle and Simon (holding Baby Gabriel) were holding steady.

Sal, my Sicilian father-in-law was having a good time too.

Now this -- this is a hoedown. It was too pretty.

Oh Audrey, you look positively giggly and lovely!

Party!!!!!!!!

It's on. I hope everyone will come. My Ma and Pa are here. We're working outside, we're working inside. I think it's going to be great.

Questions:

Are the maybes coming (Kris, I mean you)?

How do we feel about kegs?

I Am A Comedy Nerd

I admit it. I love Marc Maron, Jesse Thorn, Glenn Wool, Kumail Nanjiani, Matt Walsh, Amy Poehler, Kirsten Wiig and Eugene Mirman, Zach Galifanakis, Paul Rudd -- not to mention Tina Fey. Omg, and Bill Murray. I just cannot imagine my life without Bill Murray. Merlin Mann, Scott Simpson and Adam Lisagor, Chris Fairbanks -- I could go on and on.

So at the end of May I am going to Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre to take classes. I have a show on June 6 that everyone is invited to (in NYC). My lovely husband is worried the comedy world will claim me and not let me go. That's not going to happen, but it is nice that he is worried, I think.

I would like to be Kirsten Wiig. I think she is fabulous.

Kirsten Wiig

Paul

Eugene Mirman

Let's Talk About Disapproval

So the word that will most get me, all the time, is disappointed. As in, "I'm not angry, I'm just so disappointed." That kills me.

An internet meme that has been around for awhile, but has seen a resurgence is Disapproving X. Like Disapproving Rabbits. My cats are really good at being disappointed in me and letting me know. So if you see some good pictures of animals (animals include people) being disappointed, post them, please.

By the way, my Ma knows this, but one arched eyebrow and an "I'm Disappointed," will make me totally distraught. Oh, the other thing I was wondering about was if anyone else has those triggers or things that can make you feel like a little sad kid who did bad. I could talk more about trying to be a good person, but I think I've touched on that enough for one month.

Here It Is, What You've Never Known You Didn't Know You Had To See

According to the Museum of Sex in Oslo Norway, there are real-life incidences of blowhole sex. It is apparently the only--THE ONLY-- incidence of nasal sex in nature. But seriously, those dolphins look mad happy. Also, I should mention they are man-man blowhole sex. I think if I was a dolphin I would try this anyway.

Friday Bill Murray

Oh Bill. I love you.

Dogs are Funny

Looks like someone has a good camera! Someone (not me) caught this dog at the funniest point in his sneeze. This is going to make me laugh FOR DAYS. I hope I look like that when I sneeze.

Look, I Don't Know

I think this guy embodies what Dan Savage is talking about when he worries about having fantasies that cannot be realized. Unicorns don't exist, so why have a fetish around them? (Although, to be fair, many little girls still have unicorn love.) Whatever, this guy looks awesome.

Jokes with Nurses

So I have little veins that roll away from needles and "resist" puncture. The upside is that it makes it hard to ever consider a move towards intravenous drug use as a lifestyle. The downside is that it makes it hard for nurses to set up an IV.

Yesterday my nurse couldn't get a vein -- both arms were tried and both arms failed (initially). So I'm in the hospital, in the bed, with my sunglasses on. As he tried again I told him my veins were hard to puncture. In a teeny-tiny voice with a Spanish accent I said "we are Hannah's veins. We revolt against the unjust colonization by needles. We roll away! We roll away!"

My mom laughed. (thank you Mom.) The nurse wanted to laugh, but I don't think he felt it was proper to laugh. But for reals, I hate getting stuck, so I am bound to make jokes out of it. It makes getting poked with needles a little easier.

Later Martino, my nurse, asked me about Sarah, my sister, and we had a moment together where I cried a little and he hugged me. I might send him a card because he was great.

Headache Update

It's done. Really done. That headache is gone baby gone.

Isn't that nice news? I have some follow-up work to do, like why do I get migraines in the first place, what causes them?

But here's how it got finished. After Mom got in, we decided to go back to the hospital. Ever since my sister (which is fragmented shorthand for "ever since my sister got brain cancer and passed away at 33, the age I am now"), my mom and dad and I are all really weirded out by head pain.

So we went back to the hospital and as a 33-year old woman, I took my mom. You might be thinking that it's sweet, that we're so close , and you wouldn't be wrong. But that isn't the reason I took her.

1. She was my baby blanket.

2. She could keep track of everything that was said when I was drugged up.

3. My mother, Barbara True-Weber, can make things happen in hospitals that will astound you.

For proof, I give you the following: she made sure I got a CT scan (no small feat), that I got hot blankets from the blanket heater every hour or so, got cookies and drinks, and got information out of the nurses and doctors that they didn't want to give. She's got crack hospital skills.

But rolling into the ER dressed in all-black with black sunglasses and a look on your face that says "dont fuck with me," it makes you feel kinda cool, even when you feel horrible. I suggest you remember that if ever you have to go to the ER.

The great news!? The CT scan showed my head is empty: no tumors, lesions, growths, aneurysms, or other strange things (go ahead and feel free to insert your own joke regarding the emptiness of my brain). The second great news is that the doctor was really determined to break the headache, so I went through several courses of increasingly strong demerol and timoral until I could stand the pain.

A word about pain:

My sister always said her pain was a "4." Finally, after seizures and hospitals and surgeries, someone asked her what a ten was. She totally deadpanned "crucifixion." Mom and Dad and I all looked at each other and were like "if we had known that, maybe we would have taken a four more seriously." My scale is not that radical. I do have a high threshold for pain, but not like that. What's my ten? Hmm. This might sound stupid, but probably when I stub my toe so bad that I think I will throw up. But just that one second. That's a ten. Other than that, it is a hypothetical question: I've never been cut badly, lost a digit, whatever.

What's your ten?

The doctors took the headache from an 8 down to a 3, which I can cheerfully live with. As I keep doing things, stretching out my shoulders and neck and staying hydrated, the pain will keep subsiding.

I'm really so happy about all this.

Today Mom and I are pulling weeds and planting flowers for the party. I love gardening with her. I love doing anything with her.

Ah, I feel like a new woman!

Hannah, Meet Migraine

So my head has hurt since last Thursday. And kept hurting.

But there is an important thing about me: I am a hypochondriac, but I always -- always -- underplay it if there is something really wrong because I think Im making it up.

So it's getting worse and worse. I keep saying "I'll go out, I'll garden and then I'll feel better." But I don't.

I decide to do what's called "watchful waiting." It means to be aware and take inventory of what's going on, but just note it, not freak out. Saturday I wake up in pain. Sunday is even worse. Sunday is like the right side of my head just got dipped in pain. So the weird thing is that this headache isn't made worse by sound. I liked being read to and listening to audiobooks on a low volume level. It was light and any sort of visual stimuli that did it. I could not look at a damn thing without getting a dose of the agonizing sickies. My vision was horrible: like a bad effect from a seventies B-film.

So I do yoga! Which helped not at all.

On Monday I made an appt with my GP, who wasn't in so I saw Liz, the nurse practioner (NP) and she gave me some meds that were pretty strong. She said "You've let it get to this point, we have to just make it stop, and it might take some time to stop because it is entrenched. Take two doses of this and if that doesn't stop the migraine, go to the hospital."

Two doses didn't stop it. I even called her after that and asked "Do I have to go? She said "Yes. Go. Now." So Christian took me to the ER, and it was quick. I was out in an hour.

They gave me a shot of Demerol in my ass. Which made me feel much better. Ass Demerol: It Helps.

Today I still feel delicate and tender and nauseous, but not like the guy above. I am not trying blankets to my head to blot out the world. I'm just wearing sunglasses inside, and that's not so bad. I still have a little double vision. But tomorrow. Tomorrow will be better.

MOM IS COMING TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!!!

Happy Cinco De Mayo!

Happy voluntarily-observed holiday commemorating the Mexican army's unlikely victory over French forces at the Battle of Puebla in 1862.

Or as the rest of us know it, a reason to get drunk and riot! (Though it must be observed that ladies do not find it especially attractive when men riot, and often avoid such displays of ridiculousness.)

In memoriam:

Yep, thats more like it. EAT THE WORM! EAT IT!

Huh?

I got this in my mail today. A couple questions:

1. I am a Google Analytics user?

2. I am successful?

3. There is a per-cost click for my blog?

4. I can drive people towards my blog?

I had no idea about 1-3. As for 4, I thought I was only driving people away from my blog. Wow. Maybe I can write people .25 cent checks to come visit my blog. ?

Dear Google Analytics User,

As a successful Google Analytics user, you have been selected for an exclusive test to demonstrate how quickly and simply you can use Google AdWords to create text ads on Google and increase traffic to your website!

We are offering new Google AdWords customers a coupon of $100 to experience advertising with Google. Sign up now because your coupon will decrease after June 4, 2010.

• $100. For you. For free. Use it to drive potential visitors to your website. For example, if your average cost-per-click was 25 cents, $100 could help bring 400 visitors to your site.¹ Note: After June 4, 2010, your coupon drops in value to just $75.
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Sincerely,
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¹Actual cost-per-click may vary significantly. Example meant to be illustrative.

It's May!!

Yes, I am able to count months as well as days. Speaking of days, there are thirteen of them left until we have our party. Y'all are invited. I'm currently working out how to do fruit pies that aren't so juicy they mess up the pie crust.

So right now I'm having headaches, which is worrying. Could be anxiety (I have that). I'm sure I'm not chewing my teeth at night. But I slept plenty and plenty good last night and the caffeine that should be helping isn't. So this is the third day of headache, so I think maybe I will go to my doctor tomorrow.

Speaking of my doctor, Dr Han, I want to say a little about Dr Han. First, he is Chinese. He studied at Cornell and is a very smart man. Second, he is completely unintelligible. He knows that the words that he says often don't sound like anything anyone can understand. For some reason, I find this incredibly comforting, though I can't explain exactly why. We use a lot of sign language with each other. Like if he says "take this medicine before you sleep" it comes out as "take" (miming taking medicine) "and then" (he puts his hands beside his head, rests his head on them and then closes his eyes. The universal sign language for sleep, basically) and then he'll put up, say, four fingers and then "four nights. You do." Then he'll repeat the miming of medicine and sleep four times. I love him! There is a complete absence of White Coat Syndrome because I find him so charming, smart and lovely. So I might see him tomorrow and have some kind of chat with him. He's also the first male doctor I've had in seven years. The one problem that I do have--and this is just my psychology -- is that he does the "r" and "l" thing -- where he mixes them up. Why does it bother me? Because 1) it is consistently true that when native speakers of languages don't have a difference between "r" and "l" sounds mix them up and 2) I feel racist for noticing. Still, take all that into consideration and I still love Dr Han. I think he is awesome

I've also been thinking about something that I think about a lot: being a good person. What is a good person? Can a good person also do something bad? Am I a good person? Believe me, more than anything I want to be good. Does that mean I just garden and love all creation? Or do I need to do more? Am I doing more? I don't know. I think I'm good. I don't know. Thoughts?

Finally, I have to, have to recommend two films:

"Le Chambre des morts" -- if you liked "Silence of the Lambs" at all, give this a viewing. It's amazing. It's French, yes, but so good that the subtitles are worth it.

"Head On" -- German/Turkish -- Oh my god. I have seen love stories, but nothing, ever, like this. Loved it.

So those are my opening thoughts for May.

May 15 (Saturday) 1:30, party at the farm. Be there or be square.

Oooh, Nothing Better Than Opium, Is There?

Oh God, this makes me laugh.

(Full disclosure: I have never tried or will try opium or its derivatives. But I still think its awesome.)

More Proof of Baby Workers

I suppose a case could be made that the segway is pushing the stroller. But I think she has the segway turned off and is making the baby do all the work. When will baby servants be freed of this indignation?

On the flip side, this makes me this about what I would do with my baby when I have one. I would definitely put dusters on it so it could dust the floor. I'd want it to start swimming as soon as possible. Maybe I could attach an inner tube to it and float along behind it like a coxswain and shout "stroke! stroke! stroke!"

But all that would be done with love. And really, there ain't much love in the pictures I've found. Of course, the regular searches I do could be called eccentric. Possibly esoteric. Possibly strange and verging on obsessive. But I need to find pictures of baby butlers and octopus. It's just how I am.